math revisited ~

Last night I had a flash back...I watched my husband sitting at our kitchen table with my son working on math. My husband was rubbing his head in frustration and my son was doing the same.

I never liked math as a child. My dad was my "math hero." Almost daily he worked with me at our kitchen table, reteaching, training and tutoring me. We would sit there until I was able to do the assignment independently with success. I remember working the problems on my own,but as I worked, I would glance up to see whether he was grimacing, frowning or pleased...He quickly caught on to my dependance on his facial clues and became completely expressionless...even worse, sometimes he would leave the table and set the timer. I hated when he did that.

My flash back came in the same scenario...I watched as Fisher answered a math problem, and I watched him look up at my husband for some sign in the lines on his face, "am I supposed to carry the one here?" I watched as my husband became expressionless, and I felt for Fisher.

Then, standing there in the kitchen, staring at the scene, I experienced one of those surreal moments that happens to every parent when you see your life from outside of it almost looking in. In that moment, it hit me that..."wow, I am the parent now." I am no longer the child looking for the facial clues, but instead someone looks to me for them. There will never be another math test for me, but I will study math all over again for years as a parent. I wanted to interupt that scene and afirm for Fisher that he would conqure three-digit addition, and everything would be ok.

There, among all the frustration, my kitchen table now hosted the cyclical scene of life, I mean, math, revisited, and I was oddly comforted.

...let's just hope I retained all that my father taught me, and by the way...thanks Dad..I get it now...more than just math....thanks to your help, your expressionless face and our ktichen table!

shooting stars ~

This morning I was reading about looking for God’s activity in our lives with the idea that his activity “is always” present, as opposed to the idea that He just “shows up” every once in a while. As I was reading, it dawned on me that sometimes I expect to see God the way I would expect to see a shooting star...like “wow, did you see that!” But I think that is all wrong...I think I should really be expecting to see God’s activity in my life in the same way I would walk outside after dark and expect to see the stars in the sky...they are there...they are always there..brilliant and beautiful...yet, most nights, I fail to take notice of them at all. Maybe I would see God more regularly if I quit looking for that one, rare, shooting star and saw his presence in the millions and millions of stars that I can see every night...I am challenged to expect to see his manifestation in the many ways that he “always is,” without waiting for some “wow, did you see that!” moment. Like the stars, how much am I missing that he is already doing? I want my eyes to be open to God in and all around me...so, this morning I prayed that he would take away the “shooting star” marvel of his activity, and I am going to expect to see him in the marvel of the stars in my life that are always present, always shining, all around me.

spit bubbles ~

If someone were to ask my children what the "rules" are at home...hopefully they would answer..."we only have four...the four D's...”

(1) Don't Disrespect others(2) Don't Disobey authority (3) Don't deliberately Disturb others (4) Don't act Dangerously reckless.

It all started when my son was about two and a half, he was blowing "spit bubbles" in the back seat of our car for about thirty incessant minutes. My first response was to tell him to quit and that blowing spit bubbles was gross and rude...as I turned around and saw his shirt soaked around the collar and the overjoyed smile on his drool covered face I began to question why I was going to thwart his joyous new discovery in the world of saliva. (Little did I know that many more discoveries in this world were yet to come...yuck) So, as I turned to him something in me stopped and questioned my disapproval.

I considered what he was doing...it was not dangerous ...there was no one else in the car for him to disturb, he was not disobeying any "spit bubble" rule, and his spitting was not directed at me out of anger or disrespect...so I finally came to the conclusion that he was what he was...a little boy..playing with saliva..gross yes...but wrong...not at that moment in that situation. Changes in those 4 d's could cause me to ask him to stop (like if someone were sitting next to him fearing a soaking) but in that moment I let him be...we arrived at my mom's house with a shirt that needed to be put in the dryer and maybe disinfected, but other than that we both survived the trip, and to be honest he got quite bored with the gesture after about 15 miles...and moved on to animal noises.

so I realized then..that I was going to let the "spit bubble" incident be a lesson to me. I was going to try to say Yes as much as possible. I would try to let him be a little boy, but within situational boundaries. And now that he is 8, and my daughter is 3, I realize that spit bubbles were just the beginning...good thing I learned that lesson early!

the little gnome in our house ~

In my house, I am certain that there lives a little gnome…and when no one is looking he runs through the house throwing, tossing and disheveling all that he encounters…He opens the cabinets and leaves them open, he takes trash and places it all around the house in inconspicuous places, he fills my sink with dirty dishes that I have no memory whatsoever of using, he leaves half full sippy cups and random articles of clothing laying around the stairs and the floor …and to top it off…he even plucks my dog’s hair and leaves little clumps of it everywhere! And, he does all this in what seems like only minutes since I last picked up the house!!! How does he do that?

Well the only way I can continue to keep this little gnome from entirely disrupting my house beyond repair is to stay one step behind him! I can’t let him get too far ahead of me or I am sure my house will actually cave in upon itself! So I do two “clean sweeps” every day…one in the morning and one in the evening…

I am NOT talking about cleaning…just straightening up…It is amazing how I can go to bed on a Saturday night with the house straight and return from church the very next day to a house that looks like a tornado flipped it high in the air shaking up everything inside...or maybe the gnome comes out while we are all away (that is my kids theory, anyway)…either way…I have to find two times a day for about 5 – 10 minutes to literally walk the house from one end to the other straightening up the place…

Here is exactly what I did just now in my 2nd clean sweep…I put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, I put the kids clothes on the stairs, I put the pillows and throw blanket back on the couch, I threw away the trash from our “to go” lunch, I put all the dog toys back in the “dog toy basket,” I flushed a few toilets, closed a few cabinets, and threw away Saturday’s newspaper …wheeweee…and all of that took about 7 minutes, but the place feels 7 million times cleaner!

Maybe someday I will catch that gnome right in the act…plucking clumps of little Sparky’s fur and depositing it on my favorite throw blanket, but until then I am just going to do my best to keep one step behind him everyday …and you know… I think I am gaining on him!

priorities ~

One night we were having dinner and when we asked Fisher about his day he proceeds to tell us the following... “Bailey (the girl who sits next to him in class – we hear a lot about her) told me that Abby likes me, and so I told Bailey to tell Abby that I like her back…and then she then told me that Alexia likes me too, and so I told Bailey to tell Alexia that I like her back too…I can like them both…right?” Jeff and I respond (quite dumbfounded, but reaction-less) “What do you mean when you say they “like you??” He answers (as if that was a dumb question) “you know…like, they want to marry me!” Jeff and I respond... (Again reaction-less) “Well do you want to marry them?” his answer…”hmm, not sure yet, depends how much they like animals” ~smart kid~

my sign ~

Psalm 91

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD,

"He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling-- even the LORD, who is my refuge -- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

burning bushes, rainbows & coffee ~

As I was reading the other morning, I noticed that there are many occasions where God gives his people signs that enable them to know that He is going to fulfill the promise He has made. Like to Noah He gave the rainbow..."I will never flood the earth again", Gideon got the fleese, Abraham got the stars, and Moses got the burning bush.

I began to wonder...where is my sign...Lord? Sometimes I am confused and sometimes I want to know exactly what you have planned for me...I want to know now where you are taking me...my husband's career, our family's future...I want a sign from you that says...YES! I will be in this battle and win it for you just like I did with Gideon, or I will cause your children to prosper, like I did with Abraham, or no storm will entirely overcome you just like I promised Noah.

I have actually found myself asking Lord to give me some kind of a sign ...some tangible confirmation that our family was firmly in his will, and that he would protect us, and be with us in our battles, and preserve our lives and that we would not be overcome by a flood of troubles...

But then it hit me...I did not really want a sign...I really wanted a reason not have so much faith... I wanted more visible and realistic reasons (signs) to trust Him than just that He is who say He is... 1 Corinthians 5:7 reads "We walk by faith and not by sight." Well, I wanted to "see" something....

But then something else hit me...God never changes...right...He can speak to me today as emphatically as he did then...and "his voice" was sitting in front of me at that very moment...His word is packed full of signs... Psalm 91 is an entire Psalm about the Lord's security, and protection. It is overflowing full of his promises...one after the other...

And then it hit me again...(I get hit a lot...sometimes it leaves a bump)...this is "my" sign...God has been giving it to me all my life...the promises in His word are meant to be as real to me as the stars in the sky were to Abraham or the fleece was to Gideon... I can take his word and chew on it and wrestle with it and I can go back to it again and again, and I can take it with me, and hide it in my heart...so many things you cannot do with fleeces, burning bushes and rainbows... and He hears my frustrations and needs whispered to Him over a cup of coffee as clearly as heard Moses and Abraham. So I decided that I am going to try to hear his voice, his promises to me, and I am going to be more aware of “my signs” in his word ...And stop waiting for the rainbows and burning bushes!

shorts and snowflakes ~

Yesterday I complained about the warmer weather in this month of December...yesterday our temperatures were in the mid 70's...yesterday my son wore a t-shirt and shorts to school...that was yesterday....today at 3:30 p.m he and Adeline caught snowflakes on their tongues...today he wore thermal underwear and gloves to school...today the temps only reached mid 30's...only in Houston.

sweaty hands, cold feet~

I woke up this morning to the disappointing sensation that it is muggy outside...not cold and crisp...but instead wet, mid 70’s, and muggy...hello, isn’t this December...do I not see Christmas lights...then why the spring temp’s...I have a love affair with the cold weather...I look forward to it with my hands to my eyes squinting against the cooling days...just waiting for those low temps to move in! We have been teased with a few, but they float away overnight...and then we wake up to days like today. I long to get up in the very early morning,while it is still dark out and read in the quiet, cold, dark of my house...it really is the darkest time of day…after cold nights, when I walk down the stairs I literally feel the temperature go from heat to mid 50’s...we all sleep upstairs so we turn off the heat downstairs... I keep a heating pad by the chair where I read, and I slip it in my robe, crank it up to high, and warm up with a strong, steaming cup of coffee. When I head to the kitchen to refill my cup, I just unplug the cord from the wall and drag it along like an IV...in ten minutes my hands are sweating, but my feet are still cold...The coffee....a necessity...I can’t decide what I am more in love with – the coffee or the ritual of drinking it...but either way it feels like a dear old friend...I think I would name each cup if it wouldn’t be so weird to then drink it...but then again, my grandmother used to name each green bean as I ate them...hmmm...anyway... I am looking forward to it getting even colder in January and February...those months host some of the coldest days of the year here and I actually feel a tinge of sadness when the warmer days start moving back in...when the heavy blanket gets put away, and the walk downstairs feels a little warmer... but for now, I am welcoming the cold fronts that push out fall temps and usher in the need for gloves, scarves, tissues, crock pots, coffee and of course a heating pad.

bear wrestling 101 ~

My house has a time of day that becomes frazzled all at once! It seems somewhere between 5ish – 6ish each night the tension in the house begins to thicken…The munchkins are hungry, the youngest is cranky...the phone begins to ring off the hook, dinner needs to get started (or it is time to leave for practice and pick up dinner on the way), the final load of laundry needs to be put away, the dog is chewing on my daughter’s last pacifier, and the boys down the block are ringing the doorbell in hopes of working on the giant “crater” they are digging in my backyard…oh…and they need a bag of popcorn to get started! And without fail…all this seems to come down at the same time of night!

This time seemed like a huge bear attacking my sanity and me, and though it is a short period of time it felt like it took over the morale of the entire day. It was like he would eat me up and spit out sometime after the kids went to bed.

So... I got a brave hair, and decided that I was going to go to battle with this “bear-of-a-time” and work pro-actively to conquer it before it got a chance to pin me down! So as with any attack, I planned, prepared, and gathered up some resources to take into battle with me.

First offensive move - Ambiance!!!!

The sensory setting of this time of day seems very key…so now, I work to make it a “calm” setting… I decided to play some music, sometimes Nora Jones, other times Dave Barnes, some extreem times call for extreem meausres...classical...

Second offensive move – Feed the Natives!

Usually the kids are hungry and the first thing Jeff wants to do when he gets home is snack ...so I quit trying to make this a battle... remembering the bear would love to pin me down with whining children and a husband who is “sampling” dinner before it is ready…I just set out some cheese and crackers for all parties involved… I set out just enough to tide everyone over ...

Third offensive move – Kids –Self-Occupation –

This means they “try” to occupy themselves without my aid or involvement…so maybe they watch TV (big deal!) I let them watch while I do what I need to do so that we can hang out together at the table!… I set the TV to record shows that Fisher loves, and that is when he watches them…or else he plays outside with the kids from the street … in the meantime, my 3 year old is in the other room watching Elmo…

Forth-defensive move – Relax – and don’t be ashamed to call for Back up!

I decided that no matter what I would not let the bear win!!! If I am totally late in getting to dinner...I just “call for back up,” by making sandwiches or we all hop in the car for MacDonald’s! I let the kids skip their baths when it is going to be too crazy make it home early enough to get them bathed. I committed to try my best to choose to relax at this crazy time of day…I just think...what is the worst that will happen if we all just have PB&J’s for dinner...nothing! So, even when the bear is beginning to have me pinned…I smile and kiss him on the cheek…I don’t fight him anymore, or he is sure to win!!! After all…if the dinner is burned, (or not even started), if we are late for basketball practice, the crater in the back yard has swallowed up one of the neighbor kids, and the dog has found yesterdays chicken from the trash… the best thing I can do is throw in the dishtowel (literally) and sit down with my 3 year old and watch Elmo! I figure, if I do that…I have still won!

groggy math~

This morning I argued with my husband...my alarm clock went off at 4:45, but I hit the snooze until I finally got up at 5:21...in a groggy stupor, both of us argued about how many times it has gone off...with a snooze time of nine minutes, we each tried to do math in our heads and argued about the sum total of its alarming interruption that was supposed to be getting me up! While putting on my robe and making my way downstairs, I was loudly whispering (so not to wake the kids) that it was only three snoozes...He insisted back that it had gone off five times, and I kept insisting back that it was only three...back and forth till I was down the stairs...He was right...yuck... but I wanted to be right, doesn't that count for something...

Later today, I have to apologize...not fun...but necessary...I hate when the two contradict...ugg...The partnership of my marriage is the most important, and meaningful earthly relationship I experience, yet so often it can get pushed into the background as our children and life’s activities begin to crowd my emotion, my energy and my time. Though I believe in the importance of being a strong mom that is focused and purposeful... I firmly believe that most assuredly the greatest relationship in my life is my marriage! Other than my Lord, he is my life, my partner, my lover, and my best friend...and I have to believe that through that understanding I can love my children better, more appropriately, and more fully~ Though my actions fail miserably sometimes...

So now...I work up to the apology..."I am sorry, babe...you were right...it was five! Just kick me next time!"

malta is beautiful this time of year~

One morning I was reading about the apostle Paul. I had not realized that he had a big ministry plan to travel to Spain to share about Christ there(Romans 15:24&28). But, while in Jerusalem he was arrested and after many trials eventually he was sent to Rome to stand trial before Caesar. I thought about how this was certainly a distraction to his plans for Spain. As I read I learned that while sailing to Rome his ship was caught in a hurricane of sorts and wrecked upon the little island of Malta (Acts 28:1). I wondered about how distracted and delayed he must have felt from his plans for Spain…hmmm….maybe God had other plans for Paul.

The little island of Malta was an interesting stay for Paul. The people there were great hosts to the shipwrecked strangers. Paul was fed, refreshed and cared for (Acts 28:10 He also helped the islanders by miraculously healing the natives who were suffering from some kind of disease(Acts 28:7-8). After three months on this tiny island, they set sail for Rome...Ceasar...trial.

It seemed that God had plans for Paul there too…(Acts 28:30-31) While he lived in confined quarters awaiting trial he wrote Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, and Philemon. I wondered, would he have had that kind of uninterrupted time to write these amazing letters had he been busy in Spain?

What amazed me, was that there is no account that Paul ever made it to Spain. I guess The Lord had other plans for him. I do know though, that his life was in the heart of God's will, and that “will” curiously included arrest, shipwreck, and life in confinement in Rome, but it did not include Spain. So I pondered some more...I have to think that, knowing Paul, he had thoughtfully considered his intentions to go to Spain too, and thought he could do so much for the Lord there…. how interesting that he never made it…

So I considered my life... do I have a “Spain”…somewhere I aspire to be for only the best of intentions? Yes, I do, but for now God has divinely placed me in Malta. So Then I considerd Paul in Malta…and decided to allow the Lord to use me here...to help others, to grow, and also to be refreshed. I just know that my Malta is nestled in the Lord’s will for my life just like it was for Paul.

Maybe at some point in my life I will find myself in “Rome”…settled in for a longer stay, feeling some confinement and restriction, and wondering how God can use me effectively. But, I can’t help but believe that Paul did not consider his imprisonment in Rome ideal conditions for ministry, yet he ministered anyway and many were being effected by this serving prisoner living in the Lord’s will and plans for him no matter how much they seemed to contradict his own plans.

So often I need to change my perspective and realize that I can be in the Lord’s will here and now…. There is not some "greatness" out there in the distance... I am not going to consider life in Maltea one full of “distractions” putting off the great plans I have for my life. Ya know, maybe the distractions are the Lord’s plans for me….the heart of the journey, and maybe time shipwrecked in Malta is really the Lord purposefully moving me closer to the heart of his will.

I am determined to consider that there is great purpose in “Malta” and live in the “here and now” giving my plans over to the Lord loosely and daily and hopefully I will begin to realize that the journey is sometimes most lived in the shipwrecks of life.

boy vs. legos~

well...this has been an eventful day...cleaned out my car...found some lost shoes, some lost sippy cups, some lost toys...and a month's worth of food (opened and closed)...

Fisher got in a fight with a lego set...and we tried to figure out how angry to let him be about a broken lego set...hmmm...he worked really hard to put it together...and in moving it somewhere it fell apart...but it was just a lego set, and he was really really upset about it's accidental destruction...but after further thought it became clear that the fact that it is made of lego's is not the point...though it makes it seem much more trivial...it is something he made and worked on for hours, and in one misjudged move it broke into pieces...I would be really upset if that were a cake that I had worked on....so processing the anger on his level made it much easier to "take seriously" and it became much more than just a tantrum over a lego airplane... it became a disappointed kid with a broken "accomplishment." so...We let him fume...and now the lego set lies half reassembled on the playroom floor...he says he will finish the rest tomorrow...

in the meantime, I am glad to have back all my sippy cups...they are in the wash!

nose to the tapestry~

Well, I have just started a blog...never really understood what blogs were, not sure I do now...but none the less I have begun one!

I've decided to call this blog "Nose to the Tapestry" because that is what I think much of my life is...each day what I see is like looking at a giant tapestry with my nose pressed right up against it...only grasping a small glimpse...a blurry spot on some days...a confusing configuration on others, a little glimpse of a little part of this huge tapestry that is LIFE...weaved with threads that go back generations and reach out through relationships.....made of weavings that represent days, moments, people and memories that make up the "life that happens here."

To me, right now...being so "close to it" it just looks like threads...many colors going in many different directions. Some match and some don't...some days I think, why that color, and why there...but I have to believe that it is because I cannot see the whole thing... and each thread, whatever the color and placement, is weaving together to create something worthy...and I have to hope and believe that it is something bigger and grander than I am or my family is...

I also have to believe that one day we will be able to step back and see it all...this entire tapestry and understand every 'unmatching' thread and each "blurry configuration" and see this thing from a proper distance...brilliant and beautiful...but until then...here I am ....nose to the tapestry...beginning a blog about moments and memories...life in my house...life in my family...life that happens here! and I am as excited as ever!